I'm currently reading a memoir written by a girl who was overweight and then lost well over a hundred pounds. I thought it was going to be motivational, but honestly it has made me utterly depressed about everything I've chosen to eat today.
I know that the foods I like the best are terrible for me. They are (practically without exception) filled with preservatives, fat, sugar and calories.
I love pasta and bread, butter and mayonnaise, fried anything and cheese laden dinners. I like potato chips and pizza, coffee laced with sugar and cream and a whole bunch of things that are easy to pop in the microwave or oven that are breaded and topped with salt. I like a lot of them.
I never met a cookie I didn't like. (Actually I knew a girl with that nickname that I thought was a real bitch, but she wasn't made from sugar and butter so she doesn't count).
I wish I loved things that were good for me and I didn't wind up in tears after I ate dinner, but I feel so guilty for eating the things I wind up shoveling down that I get down on myself. I give myself splitting headaches and then I take a nap. An hour turns into three or four hours of me lying in a half sleep and hating myself for being hungry. Who can put away a Whopper, a chicken crisp sandwich and a small fries and still be thinking that the Sun Chips on the coffee table are looking delicious? This girl can. And she despises herself for it.
A few weeks ago I was eating a "healthy" snack of veggie straws (which are pretty much the same as potato chips in the guise of "good for you" junk food) when a friend said he couldn't believe how fast I "killed" the bag of them. He went on to say "you just shoved them in your face in a never ending stream". It isn't the first time he's made that kind of observation on things I'm eating. Occasionally other people will say "leave her alone" or "well she must like them then" because they can see how upset it makes me, but then I just get more down on myself. Practically anything I eat receives a comment. I brought Pop Tarts for lunch for a few weeks and I still hear about that. If I bring a power bar everyone's concerned I'm not eating, but if I ate like I did at home (2 sandwiches, multiple sides) they would think I was disgusting.
Even I think that.
Tomorrow when we go grocery shopping I'm going to try to make some better choices. I'm going to look for more whole grains and less Captain Crunch, but I know that it's going to suck. I feel it's necessary to eat what we have here, and 90% of it is unhealthy, but eating healthy is expensive and getting rid of food that we spent a lot of money on won't help our budget.
I'm not good at moderation, and if a bag of chips is available I eat half the bag, so I should probably start with portion control, and that is a little more feasible.
Still, I feel like I'm about to break with all things delicious. People always tell me how wonderful different foods are and how I don't try enough new things. I have found that there were vegetables I would never dreamed of trying that I've wound up liking, but trying to tempt me into the world of healthy eating by singing the praises of an all vegetable, dressing free salad is like saying cake is just as delicious without icing, flour, eggs, sugar or butter. It just doesn't work. Unfortunately for me, I know what I'm missing, and it seems like I'll be missing most everything I enjoy.
Will I be happier to weigh less? Yes. Will I miss the days of double sandwiches and ice cream? Unfortunately that's a yes too. It kind of seems like I'll make myself miserable either way. I have a talent for that. But a healthier me will probably be slightly less miserable.