Friday, October 31, 2014

Things Kids Said While I Handed Out Candy

"Hi.  I'm Adam.  I'm supposed to tell you I'm Captain America, but I am really Adam.  My muscles are not really real."

A child reaches around my hand while I'm offering her candy for the bowl on my lap and grabs four pieces while I say "just one" because I see what she's up to.  She glares at me and says "I want a blue one".  I say "that's too bad - you took four".  She says "ooookay bitch! Look what I got!".  Then grins and proceeds to stab herself in the eye while trying to show me the giant Tootsie Rolls she snagged.  She was probably four.  I laughed while she cried to her mom.  Her mom probably called me a bitch too.  Not a good start.

Am I the only person who saves the chocolate for the later kids hoping there will be some left?  
A child berates my candy selection.  She says I need Skittles and Starburst.  I give her Dots.  She is unimpressed.

A pregnant looking girl around thirteen came up with her purse opened.  I asked what her costume was, really hoping she would say she was a pregnant lady, but she said "Monster High".  I realized she was Clawdeen - the child of the Werewolf.  On her way to the next house she complimented three little kids on their costumes and said she hoped her baby would be as cute as the little girl dressed as Ariel who was headed up my walk.  She volunteered she was six months along to Ariel's mom.  I wonder if she'll be back next year with the baby.  She was all alone without any parent or friend tagging along.  It broke my heart.

I ask a zombie if he is a cast member of The Walking Dead.  He says "Why do you people keep asking me that?"  I secretly cheer for his parents because he is around seven and ought not be watching TWD anyway.  He does growl convincingly.

I said "Oooh Elsa, what a lovely dress" and the girl said "can you please tell the lady across the street who I am?  She thinks I am a mermaid.  It hurt my feelings.  A LOT."

"May I please have a different treat?  I'm allergic to everything except that pink one with Princess Anna on it.  Actually I'm not allergic to any of those cool ones with the Frozen people so you have to give me them ALL okay?"  Ummm, no.  Not okay.  She got the pink one for a creative angle but was a little miffed when she actually had to trade the Dots I gave her back to me so I'd give it to her.  I'm hardcore with my one piece rule this year.

I say "hello Lucy!" to our neighbor's little girl.  She says "hey - how do you know my name?" I say "you live right behind me." She turns to her mom and says "she says she lives behind me, is that ok?"  Her mom says "this is where Andy lives too, and the dogs."  Lucy is still concerned and whispers "but she knows my naaammme." I clearly freak her out because I know too much.  Her brother is a Power Ranger.  He asks me to guess what he is and then when I guess correctly, he asks me how I knew.  I said "well, you're dressed like a Power Ranger for one thing."  He nodded and said "yeah, well there's that".

"You look like Mardi Gras.  You should throw beads.  That's what they do.  Do you have beads?"

I guess I kind of do look like Mardi Gras.

"Does this candy taste good to dead people?"  I answer in the affirmative but I don't really know.

"I am headless.  My brother wishes it was for real."

A mom compliments my Orioles blanket.  Her kid immediately says "Yankees suck!" My one piece rule is broken and they both go happily away with extra candy.

A mini Rick Grimes quacked at me.  I loved him.  He got three candy bars.  His hat was on point.

A child in a Hazmat suit informed me he would be happy to check my candy bowl and put it in isolation and pointed to his belly.  He also got an extra treat.

A child arrived in the thinnest, see through dress, covered in blood and carrying a doll also covered in blood.  I asked her if she was a Lifetime movie.  Her mom laughed so hard I gave her a candy bar too, because obviously she knows masterful comedic timing.  I still wish I knew what her daughter was.  I'm betting it starred Tori Spelling.

A bottle of ketchup asked if he could live with me.  I think it was the Orioles blanket.

A little girl's dad said she might be bit by a spider if she got too close to our spider webs.  She said "they have nice decorations and chocolate.  I'll risk it."

I had a little devil ask if she could have a dog biscuit instead of chocolate.  She said "I have two dogs and they can't eat chocolate because they die if you feed them the whole box." She got extra biscuits.  And chocolate too.  She promised not to share the chocolate and but said the biscuits "smelled really really good. Beefy like".  I hope she doesn't share them with herself.

"Is this the right Twix or the left Twix?  I would really like to know.  I like to be in control".

"I took my mask off because I was too scary.   Just so you know, I'm a ninja".  I asked if all ninjas were so scary.  He said, "no I have a clown mask.  A ninja is just what I AM."

It is 7:39.  I still have candy.  That's crazy.  This is the first year I've made it past the hour mark without running out.  I have half a bowl of Twix!

A bumblebee just asked for a dog biscuit instead of a candy bar.  She said "I think my dog will be impressed.  He likes eating treats and then I get home and my mom says "what treats did you get?" and he goes nuts so I need to have something for him."   I may have to move the dog treats back to my pocket.

A little boy came up and said "I broke your light.  I'm so sorry.  I feel really bad".  Then he hands me a piece of one of the solar lights.  I say "it's okay - it was an accident.  I'm glad you're okay."  He runs off and I hear him say "Damn.  Now we can't come back later because she's gonna remember me.  She had Twix left too.  Damn."

A group of children's mother drops them off at the end of the street.  I realize I am one of the "good houses" when kids come back for a second round.  I secretly wish it was a different group of kids because one of them is a scarecrow and he really freaks me out.  I can't pretend like I don't see them either.  Damn.

A German Shepherd takes a pee on our lawn.  Her owner says "I'm sorry - she was trying to hold it!"  I say "it's fine.  I have a German Shepherd mix myself.  Your girl is beautiful, would she like a biscuit?"  She says "sure!  Sadie let's go get a treat from this nice lady."  Sadie sniffed the treat and rejected it.  I set it down thinking she may have just been weirded out by the mask.  She sniffs it, licks it and pushes it away with her nose.  I secretly think she was saying "Oooookay bitch! Where's the candy?"  Her owner was embarrased, but accepted a candy bar for herself citing Twix as her favorite.

With three minutes to spare I still had seven candy bars.  In the four years we've lived here, I  have never made it to the end and still had candy.  As I was taking pictures of the decorations a few stragglers appeared.  I was down to two bars, and was unplugging the lamp I'd brought out so I could see what I was doing.  Just then two older kids with pillow cases came running up and I told them they were in luck because I had two pieces left.  They were really excited.  So was I.  The perfect amount of Halloween candy breaks down like this...

3 bags of snack size Heath bars
3 bags of snack size Twix (right and left preferably)
1 3 lb. bag of Child's Play mix (Tootsie Rolls, Tootsie Pops, Dots and Midgees)
1 36 count box of Frozen Dig and Dips (I gave them to all the Elsas and Annas I saw)

My only disappointment?  I didn't see one Olaf.  I thought little brothers everywhere would be suckered into an Olaf costume to match all the sisters.  The one I thought was an Olaf was the headless child whose brother was wishing for his demise.  A Frozen drinking game would've really put me under the table though.

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